My name is Wendy O'Connor and my journey started 9 yrs ago, I was one year clean and sober and all hell broke loose around me.
Hello, Soul Sister
My husband was still drinking, my children were battling addiction and I was a bag of nerves, meaning I was reacting to everything going on around me. Then came a defining moment...
my StOrY
It was the morning of June 2, 2015, at 11am in the morning. I remember it like yesterday, I could hear my son's alarm clock on his phone. His alarm was ringing continuously. I recall thinking, what the hell!! So, I entered his room like I had any other morning, except this morning something was off. I proceeded to the bed, when I did my heart dropped and I knew right then and there my son was gone. You see, I’m a retired Health Care Aide and I’ve seen death many times, but today death came to my door. It wasn’t something that happened to someone else, it was happening to me.
At this moment everything faded to black and instinct kicked in.
That’s when I wailed out a horrendous cry, I reached over the bed and cradled my son in my arms. I placed him on the floor and began CPR but to no avail, he was gone, my son was gone!! Addiction had taken the life of my 19 yr old son. On the 3rd night of his passing my son came to me in a dream. It was the most vivid dream I’ve ever had. He stood at the side of my bed calling my name and when I turned to look at him he said, mom, I’m still here!! As I reached out to touch him he faded off. That day I was so distraught and raw with emotion, the image didn't leave my mind, I carried it, causing me to drink one more time!! But when I did, something happened. I had a moment of clarity. One that became my defining moment. I asked myself, am I going to allow my son's death to take me to a dark place one of self-pity and shame? Or, am I going to show my son how much his life meant to me by giving his life meaning? I chose meaning. I began my journey and noticed, with time, that I created a ripple effect one that extended out to my husband and other members of my family. This is the difference one life can make in this case, it was the life of my son Ryan that is responsible for changing us all.
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Addiction in our family is a generational cycle. One that was viewed as normal, holding onto our very essence as though it were kin. We knew addiction very well. As a mother of three beautiful children, I endured the loss of my son, Ryan, to addiction’s tight holding grip. I was devastated. I was consumed by guilt. I was suffering in silence. I noticed there was a disconnect between my choices and how they affected my children. When Ryan passed away, I became aware that my connection to my children affected them in such a way, that they didn’t see the importance of their own lives.
So I had some serious questions that needed to be answered...
How did I want Ryan’s life to be represented? Do I continue to make the choices I have always made? Or do I see Ryan’s life as an extension of my own and allow it to matter?
I decided that I was going to let my love for my child direct me in the right way and I wanted Ryan to see that the part he played in my life made a difference. I didn’t want him to think for a second that his life didn’t matter, in other words, he never really existed because I never allowed that part into my life; I separated the two and now I was reconnecting myself to my life which meant my children’s lives and I was making his part in it important. So now I have to decide how I was going to do that? What did Ryan bring into my life? He gave it purpose, because he allowed me to see my life for what it was, without purpose.
I coach other women who are ready to make an intentional commitment to healing, returning to an authentic way of being by identifying where the generational cycle of addiction ends and they begin.
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I believe that every woman has the strength and resilience to overcome the bonds of addiction and create a life filled with hope and happiness.
So What Do I Do Now?
